Guest Blogger: If two people enter into a suicide pact...

If two people enter into a suicide pact, and one of them backs out, no one will ever find out.

First of all, marriage is not some great spiritual union. Marriage is a legally binding contract. When you think of contracts, does your dick get hard? Probably not, and this should be a pretty solid indicator of why marriage is not nearly as sexy as people have made it out to be. Apparently, once you get married, as much as nothing changes, everything changes. Your friends and family will pretend as if the world stopped spinning on it fucking axis and everything changed. All of the sudden, people will be afraid to get drunk and pass out at your house because, "Dude, you're married. You can't have people just crashing at your place, that is too weird." Forget for a minute that you and 18 other people crashed at my house the night before, or that this blessed union took place about 40 hours ago, now my spot is damaged goods, like an uncleaned hotel room dripping with the love sauce of a trucker and lot lizard from the night before. So let's take a look at some of the stupid shit that people say about being married. I should also clarify that I am not immune to these things. I am sure if you search the court reporters notes, you will see that I have said these things, if not things even more ridiculous. So people say things like, "I love her so much, I couldn't live without her". That statement sounds a lot like a suicide pact to me. It's kind of irrational if you think about it. I mean, a cancer patient can't live without an oncologist. I would give that union a little more in the order of importance than a piece of paper you signed that says you are married. In fact, have you ever actually looked at a marriage license? All it really says is that on this date these two people were joined in marriage. The importance and what that really means is left on the two individuals to decide. It's these facts that make me wonder why polygamy is such a big deal. You can have multiple contracts with multiple people, all pretty much saying the same thing. There is no rule against taking out a second mortgage, which is essentially saying you owe two people money for the same piece of property. Its may sound cold and callous to compare a mortgage with a marriage, but I am trying to point out the absurdity place on the piece of paper. If two people really love each other, they don't need the paper to prove it. Trust me, actually legalizing the union brings on lots of headaches that did not exist before the union did. Just the wedding itself is enough to drive many people insane, which is probably why eloping is not such a bad idea some times. Basically you are inviting hundreds of people to see you say that you love someone more than you have loved anyone prior, then you spend thousands of dollars for them to all get drunk and try to find someone who wants to hook up for the evening. I am not anti marriage (obviously if I felt that strongly about it, I would not have done it), but I do think it causes a lot of confusion for all parties involved. Your ability to be friends with people does not change the day you get married, but they seem to think it does, and suddenly you are some sort of freak with a new tag on your neck. I think people put more value in marriage than they do the relationship itself, which is where problems arise. The marriage should not consume the relationship; instead the relationship should consume the marriage and exemplify it. I am, as always, reminded of the great prophet of our time, Doug Stanhope, who said, "If you really want me to be witness to something so personal in your life, I prefer you just invite me to watch you fuck each other." Maybe not exactly on point, but then again, who strolls the internet to watch Wedding Tapes to get them aroused?